The Maze isnt really a maze but it exists in my mind and finding my way out can be very difficult minute by minute. I saw this commercial on depression it said I feel like I have to wind myself up... Isn't that the truth. Wind myself up to wind myself up. Depression and anxiety are new to me, I think then again maybe it has just finally become so real that I had to recognize it. I have always had mood swings like fine one moment and totally pushing everyone i love away the next but last year I began to shrink away from society and if you know me I have always been a go-go kinda girl! My on the go spirit was always my husbands biggest complaint but last year when I began to shrink away I think it worried him I could see it in his eyes. I mean why would I suddenly freak anytime I had to go anywhere, I mean bring me to my knees crying and begging anyone who would listen not to make me go. I don't know.
I lost one of my best friends out of anger and there was no way to make it right, I had a stalker (FREAKY) and my business became a fight to survive because of bad decisions with the friend/partner) I never knew when to say no instead I said yes and stressed about how to make it work then blew up because I didnt know how it was going to work in the end she was fed up and I cant get into that but then the stalker, wow a friend fr years began stalking me and it had to do with how my looks had transformed which made me not like how I looked and then my brother and I had a huge fight and my son hit him and he ruined my husbands back taking from my precious husband is love of cycling as he will never ride again now. It was terrible and each incident piled on top of the one before people I thought were my friend began to simply fall out of my life and before I knew it I felt like the whole world hated me because of expectations, ourbursts and a need for control. I felt like a failure and I just didn't want to face anyone anymore so I move my office into my home and slowly I noticed it would be days before I ventured out of the house until sometimes I noticed it would be weeks. Then I noticed I there were days i wouldnt even shower and I couldnt sleep I stayed up all night but what finallly grabbed my attention was my lack of desire to live except that having had two freinds who had mothers that committed suicide and a cousin meant there was nothing I could do but figure out how to go on. SI I kept trying and trying and praying and trying and the maze in my head got harder and harder to get out of and then on a Sunday afternoon I lay on my bathroom floor crying and crying and my husband curled up next to me on the floor and he said we have to find a way out. I calle dmy doctor and finally after years of fighting medications I said Make me better I can't take it anymore.
Now I take three medications and an injection just to function and after only three weeks I can see a difference I still dont want to leave my house but I thought so many people suffer from depression and so many find shame in it that why not share my journey through this maze of understanding why I am depressed, how we manage it and how God will restore me even if that means I need a little help. Join me in my journey through the maze!
